Why I'd Rather Die Than Be 'Ride Or Die'

Why I'd Rather Die Than Be 'Ride Or Die'

“The ‘Ride or Die girl’ is just a concept created by men to test how far they can manipulate you into staying with them while they violate your boundaries and any shred of dignity you have.” 

It’s a tweet I saw yesterday that made me go, shit, yeah, that’s so true. 

Throughout any form of media, be it television or film or music or books, the concept of the ‘ride or die girl’ is as present as her equally as problematic cousin the ‘manic pixie dream girl’. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be fiction. Beyonce is a ride or die wife, she stuck by her man despite the fact that he cheated on her. (I mean, really, who cheats on Beyonce?) Rapper T.I’s former wife Tiny was arrested alongside her then-husband for drug charges – who said that romance was dead? 

Whilst origins of the term lie in 90s hip-hop and rap, and were historically used as a badge of honour bestowed upon a woman who would stand by her man, the term means something slightly different in modern contexts. 

Sure, the sentiment remains the same. A woman is expected to remain loyal and committed to her man through thick and thin. But rather than this being applicable only to those in a certain kind of lifestyle, it’s now become a requirement for many men looking for a partner. 

You don’t have to be swiping through Bumble for long before you come across a man’s profile with a caption along the lines of ‘looking for a ride or die’ or some sort of cheesy line about the being the Bonnie to his Clyde. 

Overlooking the obvious cheesiness and the fact that the closest thing to danger these guys will likely encounter is falling into their overdraft, men now have the expectation that the woman they’re dating should be loyal. 

Well, what’s wrong with that? 

My issue with the ‘ride or die girl’ is the obvious imbalance it creates in relationships and how it perpetuates unhealthy boundaries. 

I used to call myself a ‘ride or die girlfriend’. 

I’ve been in relationships where I would use that label as a testament of my commitment to my partner. I was hoping that when I called myself this I was saying “I’m here, baby. I’m with you no matter what.” In reality, what I was really saying was “you can treat me like shit and do what you want to me because I’m not going anywhere.” 

I didn’t realise it at the time, but in an attempt to prove my loyalty and dedication to the relationship, I was actually diminishing myself. 

After all, no guy has ever said to me that he was going to be a ‘ride or die’. And why? Because we don’t expect it from men. Men are allowed to get away with doing the bare minimum and it be socially acceptable. In fact, men are allowed to get away with doing LESS than the bare minimum and not be judged or condemned for it. When the bare minimum is simply loving and respecting your partner, so many men fail to do these things and it’s seen as ‘it is what it is’. ‘Boys will be boys’. 

Women, on the other hand, are not afforded such a luxury. 

We are groomed and taught and have it instilled in us from a young age that we are supposed to be obedient and loyal to our male partners. That a good woman stands by her man no matter what. She holds down the house while he’s out doing what needs to be done (and most likely a lot of what doesn’t need to be done) because that’s what a good woman does. 

Which, ladies, is how we see relationships where a strong woman is dating a bummy man who’s cheating on her and disrespecting her behind her back. All the while she’s being praised by him and his mates for being such a ‘rider’. 

What’s even worse about this situation, is that when we hold such low standards for men, we accept crumbs in return for our unmatched loyalty. 

A romantic date here, a vacation there, maybe some gifts or kind words. These little breadcrumbs of love and affection which are supposed to be naturally given in a relationship are instead used as leverage to reinforce that the ‘ride or die girl’ is doing the right thing. 

If you starve a woman for long enough, she’ll learn to accept less than she deserves for working harder than she needs. 

And, ultimately, when you really stop to think about it, will he do the same for you? Will he stay by you through thick and thin, or will he bolt at the first sign of conflict or commitment, difficulties or dedication, and leave you flailing in the wind? 

Considering the fact that studies literally show that men are 7 times more likely to leave their terminally ill partners.... I doubt it.

When Gucci Mane proposed to his then-girlfriend Keyshia Ka’oir, plenty of people took to social media to praise her for her dedication to the man and the reward that was her engagement. 

In an article by Fader, they say “if true love is patient and kind, then Keyshia Ka’oir is the physical embodiment of human devotion.” 

In an article by NME, they say “[Keyshia] stood by her man while he was in jail between 2014 and 2016 for possession of firearms. “We had our ups and downs, ‘cause I would mess up and do stupid junk, but she had my back through all of it,” Gucci told the New York Times. Shut up, we’re not crying, you’re crying.” 

Seriously? 

Honestly, I have no hate for their relationship. But if a guy ever publicly declared that we had gone through our ‘ups and down’s but I stuck by him in spite of his mistakes, I would leave. 

And if the media or fans ever said that my engagement – something that is supposed to be about romance and love – was a reward for my loyalty to a troubled man? I’d take that as one hell of a red flag. 

From now on, I’m not going to be calling myself a ‘ride or die’. 

Fuck being a ‘ride or die girl’, I’ll become that the day I find a ‘ride or die man’. And I can say that with confidence, because I doubt it’ll ever happen.