Unlearning My Own Internalised Misogyny

Unlearning My Own Internalised Misogyny - A Journey

I would be lying if I said that I always considered myself a feminist, and always cared about the advancement of women - no matter who they are. My feminism came to me around the age of 14 or 15, when I stumbled across the concept through tumblr of all places. Yes, my parents had taught me growing up that I could do anything I wanted to as a girl. But the word 'feminist' and it's meaning wasn't introduced to me until my early teens.

As a teenager, I'd like to say that I was always particularly 'woke'. Most definitely, the term 'wokeness' has been co-opted to mean entirely different things than what it once used to. Something which I considered when seeing what Chidera Eggerue - more commonly known as the Slumflower - posted on her Instagram story. She speaks about how white people have the privilege of going in and out of wokeness like a trend, whereas People of Colour do not have this privilege. If you want to check out more, you can find it under her Instagram story highlight 'white violence'. Her words are below:

The specificities of 'wokeness' or 'awareness' aside, I was raised in a fairly progressive household. My Father was open with me about politics, I went to a multicultural school, and so I was introduced to concepts such as race, gender, sexuality etc rather naturally. In highschool I found myself falling into the typical tumblr teenager mold of being 'white feminist loves PC culture and argues with her family over the tiniest things'. It made for some very interesting dinner table conversations. 

But there has always, and I could argue still is, been a blindspot in my feminism that I have struggled to overcome.

That being that I see other women as my competition.

It's something that I had been vaguely aware of for a while now - why was I sometimes hostile towards women I found more intelligent or attractive than me? Why did I feel the need to prove myself to them? But, it wasn't until watching a YouTube video by Tara Mooknee, where she talks about the "pick me" girl phenomenon, that I was forced to face this. It's a really interesting video, and I would highly recommend checking it out.

But watching it made me think, have I ever been a pick me girl? What if I still am?

For those unaware, the term "pick me" girl is a term used to describe women who like to set apart themselves from their gender for the attention of men. Similar to the "I'm not like other girls" trend, where women will boast about how 'cool' and 'real' they are to impress men, the "pick me" girl trend goes a step further. A "pick me" girl not only attempts to gain male attention, but they do so in a way that puts down other women.

Now there's no doubt about it that being a "pick me" girl comes from internalised misogyny. It stems from years of digesting the narrative that you are supposed to compete with women for male attention, that your main goal as a woman should be gaining male attention, and that you should see other women as your competition in romantic, career, and personal aspects of life.

Does this make being a "pick me" girl okay? No. But it does help that we understand why it happens. Ultimately, it's a natural reaction to the patriarchy (to paraphrase Tara).

After all, to paraphrase another YouTuber ForHarriet, "pretty is the currency of women, and women are the currency of men." 

But now back to me.

When I look back, there have definitely been times where I was being a "pick me" girl. For the longest time I refused to wear makeup or take an interest in it because I wanted to be seen as 'one of the guys', and 'not like those other superficial girls'. I automatically disliked the pretty and popular girls in school and tried my best to embody the opposite. At one point, I even stalked a boy I liked's Facebook to see what he was interested in, and then pretended to be interested in the same things so as to show him how 'cool' and 'original' I was.

It's a big yikes.

Thankfully, I've definitely grown out of this. I've learnt to stop competing for male attention (in fact, I couldn't think of doing anything worse) and I came to just be me.

But to this day it's still a journey I'm going through, and I find myself faltering sometimes. As a chubby girl with self-esteem issues, who was only really ever praised for my intelligence, I would sometimes be hostile, stand-offish, or cold towards other women who I viewed as more attractive or more intelligent than me. As I saw my identity as the 'ugly smart kid' I was jealous of the pretty girls, and combative with the smart ones.

Even now, at the grand old age of 21, I can sometimes automatically find myself making pre-judgements about women based on their looks or what I know about them. I can be disdainful of slim women, critical of pretty women, and disparaging of women who are smarter than me. Hell, I used to slut shame women too.

But it's something I have been, and will continue, to work on.

I like to believe that the first thought you have is the one you've been conditioned to have, but the second thought is more powerful - and what really reflects your intentions. For example, I will sometimes look at a woman and think "oh god, I wouldn't wear that", or "someone's trying to find a man tonight." But then I catch myself, and realise "just because I wouldn't wear it, doesn't mean that she can't and doesn't look great!", or "revealing clothing doesn't necessarily mean she's doing it for male attention, and even if she is, more power to her!"

It's not easy unlearning the internalised misogyny which I have consumed and digested over the years. But I think that awareness is the first step. There's no need to be threatened by other women - as, ultimately, my seeing other women as competition stemmed from feelings of seeing them as threats to my identity - as we are all in this together. It's not something that will happen all at once, but something that we need to continue to do as we rebel against the patriarchy.