Why We Need to be Talking About Love Languages

Why We Need to be Talking About Love Languages

For the longest time I was unaware that love languages were a thing, or that they had such an impact on our relationships - both romantic or otherwise. I remember when I first heard of them, listening to a podcast called Hey Bitch! (now renamed Big Mood) when one of the hosts started talking about how her love language was “acts of service.” I had no idea what she meant, it sounded like she wanted her husband to wait on her hand and foot? I was confused. 

After a brief Google and some reading about this theory of relationships I discovered that there are five different types of love languages, that is, the way we express love and the way we want to be shown it. Suddenly everything made sense! I now understood why I broke up with my Year-7 boyfriend on Valentines Day when he didn't buy me the plastic rose my school was selling, or why I would get so angry when someone I cared for didn’t communicate how they felt, but would shut me out. We were speaking different love languages.

For those unaware, the five love languages categorise the ways in which we process love and experience it. A person will value all five types, but will typically hold one or two in higher esteem than the rest. Here’s what they are, and what they mean:

1. Acts of Service: someone whose love language is acts of service means they process love in terms of actions and gestures. They would appreciate their partner doing the laundry for them, or cooking dinner after they’ve had a hard day. These gestures, even though they might be simple, mean the most to them.
2. Words of Affirmation: this means that someone needs verbal communication to feel love. They need a partner to explicitly tell them that they are loved and appreciated, or they are left feeling undervalued. For these people, communication is key. Whether it’s being told that they love you, or think you’re beautiful, or you're talented, or they admire your strength, the verbal expression of love is what means the most to them.
3. Receiving Gifts: people tend to think this means that a person must be materialistic if this is their love language, but that isn’t necessarily true. If your love language is receiving gifts it means you appreciate physical gestures of love, like someone stopping at a shop on their way home from work to pick up your favourite ice cream as it means ‘I’m thinking of you’. Receiving gifts tend to be small and personal, and show that you mean a lot to your partner.
4. Quality Time: probably the simplest language, it just means spending time together with your loved one. Carving out a specific moment for the two of you to be together and appreciate each other’s company is what they value. Whether it’s reading a book, watching a film together, or even doing work alongside each other, the presence of a person next to you will be what you appreciate most.
5. Physical Touch: this love language is pretty straight-forward, it just means being intimate with someone. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual, although that can come into play, it just means physically expressing your love for someone through touch and contact. This could be holding hands whilst walking, lying your legs across your partner's lap, or cuddling after a long day. The physical act of intimacy and the connection between you and your partner is how you express your feelings.

For myself, my love languages are Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts. The Words of Affirmation can probably be attributed to my childhood need for praise from those I cared about. When I was younger I always craved the praise and approval from my teachers and parents, and this has likely translated into my need for my partner to verbally communicate to me that they value me. In terms of Receiving Gifts, I appreciate it when a partner would buy me a bouquet of flowers or pick up my favourite bottle of wine when they want shopping. As this is how I express my love for others when I care about them (sending them cards, buying them gifts, giving them little surprises) I found that I expected to be shown love in the same way.

But why is this important?

Well, for a start, it goes a long way in helping your relationships. With my current boyfriend now we found that around the 4-month mark of our relationship we were starting to have arguments about how we didn’t feel like we were appreciating each other. He didn’t realise that I wanted to be shown that I was loved through physical acts, and I couldn’t appreciate that one of his love languages was acts of service. He would appreciate it when I would cook him dinner or help him tidy his flat, as it showed that I cared about helping him. But as this wasn’t the way in which I processed love, I didn’t understand.

It took us sitting down and openly talking about what our love languages were for us to realise that it was just lack of communication which was causing our arguments. From hereinafter, we bore this in mind with each other and how we expressed our love for each other. It made things a lot easier when you consider that people have different ways of communicating and that your way might not necessarily be the right way.

Secondly, it also helps a lot in terms of understanding your own self. Given that my love language is Words of Affirmation, I found that I was depending a lot of my self value on what others said to me. If I wasn’t being told that I was beautiful, or loved, or intelligent, I wouldn’t believe it. Once I made this connection and realised that this was an issue, I was able to try and fix it. It doesn’t negate that Words of Affirmation is still my love language or change this, but it does help me try and undo issues to do with self-esteem and how I treat myself. As Ru Paul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the Hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

Finally, they also help with platonic relationships too. My mother appreciates a phone call from me as she places Words of Affirmation pretty high. My sister definitely values Acts of Service, my flatmates that I live with in university appreciate quality time together, whether this is a movie night, or an evening at the pub, or a cheeky brunch date. Understanding other people’s emotional needs doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic or sexual, but just demonstrate that you have good skills with empathy. It helps you to read other people better and ultimately become a better friend.

Ultimately, love languages need to be spoken about way more often. They go a long way in explaining how other people operate and their emotional needs. Understanding other people’s love languages, as well as your own, allow you to build deeper and longer lasting connections.