Where Is The Love? Not In This Relationship

Where Is The Love? Not In This Relationship

Mostly inspired by reading Florence Given's Women Don't Owe You Pretty, an eye-opening book that changed my perceptions of femininity, womanhood, gender, sex, and pretty much anything else, I began to explore the idea of relationships. In particular, heterosexual relationships.

I myself am heterosexual, having only ever dated men. Something which has undoubtedly shaped my perception of dating and relationships, and the roles within this. Reading her book made me question how I, as a woman, took on certain roles within a relationship. And how we are conditioned by the Western society we live in to adopt these roles which can, at times, be restricting, detrimental, and challenging.

But what do I mean by this?

Well, I first got thinking about the term 'the old ball and chain'. It always struck me as odd, referring to your wife (whom you presumably love) like that. But, I grew up in a British (Welsh) household and so consumed mostly British media. And, it's a very common term to be used over here in the UK. Especially from the older generation. It wouldn't be unusual to hear an older, likely working-class, man who grew up in the 60s or 70s to use the term.

Did I find it a bit unusual? Slightly insulting? Rather disrespectful? Absolutely. But I never really thought to question it until as of late.

In Florence Given's book, she frequently refers to a term that I find as humorous as it is accurate. That being: hetrifying. If something is hetrifying, in her own words, it is something that makes you feel "uncomfortable (and at times cringe) when witnessing heteronormative behaviour that normalises gender roles, sexism, homophobia, unhealthy relationship dynamics, or abuse."

Ah, I've got it! I thought. The term 'old ball and chain' was hetrifying to me. 

Indeed, I don't think I had ever heard or seen the term being used in a non-heterosexual context before. Certainly, I am no expert. Like I said before - I'm straight - but making an assumption based on the Queer media I consume and the Queer friends I have, I don't think I had ever seen the term or something similar being used within this community.

It then made me question, well, why is it that this term exists in the first place?

Personally, I didn't understand why you would call your partner or wife a term like that. If you found her to be restricting your behaviour or holding you back, surely you'd talk about it? Not slag her off by using such a term?

But then I realised that I don't think it's that simple. I think we've been conditioned to accept certain aspects and restraints that come with being in a heterosexual relationship. Restraints which I think the Queer community finds it easier to reject and not conform to. 

But Daisy, I hear you say, 'ball and chain' isn't a great phrase, sure. But it's not really one that people use anymore anyway. What are some other examples of hetrifying behaviour?

I'm glad you asked.

As always, in my search for more points to make in my blog posts, I turned to TikTok. A fountain of knowledge and cringe alike.

It didn't take long before I found what I was looking for. A TikTok from a woman who, in the notes app on her phone, was keeping track by date of every time her boyfriend upset her. Things like being rude, not answering her calls, and lying were on the list. Hell, even doing something physical (and we can assume sexual) with another woman was on the list too.

I stopped, amazed.

Why the Hell are you in a relationship with him then? If you've gotten to the point where you're having to keep track of the mistakes your partner is making in a relationship, you probably shouldn't be in that relationship anymore.

Whilst some of the comments reflected feelings like my own, others disagreed. Some found it funny and even claimed to relate.

I was really shocked. I'm not claiming by any means to have the perfect relationship, but my boyfriend and I really try to make an effort with communicating with each other. If I were to find that he was keeping track with a list like this, I'd be pretty pissed.

It didn't take me scrolling much further before I found another TikTok pop up on my 'for you page'. It was of a woman reacting to another video. She had captioned it, "You are his WIFE. Not his MOTHER." Curious, I looked to see what the video was that she was responding to. And, in my horror, I found a woman who made a video about the chore chart she made - for her husband.

Yes, that's right. A grown woman out there in the world had made a chore chart for her husband, complete with cute images and velcro pieces so he could stick each chore down once he had completed it. On the list featured tasks like 'make the bed', 'clean house', 'make dinner'.

Honey, if you're in a position where simply asking your husband to make the bed means he doesn't listen, and you feel you need to stoop to the level of a chore chart, LEAVE!

There is absolutely no reason to be doing something like that. Your husband making the bed is the bare minimum. One of my favourite sayings is "I'm not going to applaud a fish for swimming." Meaning, I'm not going to congratulate you for doing the bare minimum and what you should be doing anyway. That also stands for not cheating on your partner, making sure you're complimenting them, and supporting them. 

But, these hetrifying instances that encourage the idea of being in an unhealthy relationship in which you're not happy doesn't just ring true for women. They can happen for men too.

As much as I loathe the term 'psycho' to describe someone, particularly a girlfriend's behaviour, sometimes it's a term that is accurate.

Men being in relationships where they feel controlled, unhappy, held back, or treated poorly are also common. Whether it's a girlfriend keeping tabs of where you are, not allowing you to have any female friends or follow women on social media, or even going through your messages - I'm always confused as to why someone would want to be in a relationship with this person.

The only answer I could really come up with is that, we're just told that this is normal. That, ladies, your husband is like a child. That you will find yourself having to parent him along with your actual children, and that's just the way relationships work.

And men, you too. That you're doomed to be in a relationship where your wife/girlfriend is controlling and crazy. That you'll have very little enjoyment being in a committed and monogamous relationship. In fact, marriage will be the worst mistake you'll ever make. But it's a mistake you must make nonetheless.

People, we can do better!

Essentially, I think we need to start challenging these ideas and rejecting the notion that an unhappy or unhealthy relationship is just par for the course. Sure, no relationship is perfect. But a relationship shouldn't make you miserable or find yourself compromising your morals either.

I think we need to take a page out of Florence's book, literally, and do better for ourselves. We owe it to ourselves not to be trapped in a relationship like this.

Free yourselves from the shackles of heteronormativity and the idea that a miserable and unhappy relationship is normal. Do better.